The Book Thief
Feb 1, 2010 by rilla
I decided last week that I needed to organize my books. In light of what I found, I suppose I should have tasked myself with organizing the books, because there weren't very many that were actually mine. I have this habit of leaving books lying around the house, in cubby holes, in various bedside tables, in stacks on the dressers. You get my drift. In all my various hiding places, I found a nice stack of books, and I was faced with some bad habits.
I have library books that a professor let me borrow years ago. I have books that I was supposed to review years ago. I have books that my family has lent me because they thought I'd like them, some of which I also acquired years ago.
I wish that I had learned to say no earlier. I wish that I had the skills to follow through with my intentions. I wish that I was just... more organized. I think that if I had those qualities, I wouldn't be faced with a stack of books, most of which should not be in my house. Faced with them I am, and this is more about who I want to be than what I need to do with all of these books. I'm at that stage (again?) when I want to be so much more, so much better than I am. I look for excuses to believe bad things about myself, and I find them everywhere, even in harmless stacks of books, because I'm looking for them.
But this is what I have learned, in the many years that I have gone through these cycles. It is easier to mope and pout and look inward at my ugliness, to label it, categorize it, scrutinize it, and be completely unchanged. It is harder to look at what I'd like to be, to strive towards action and leave behind the inaction of reflection. It is harder yet, to take that first step, to make some real effort to become the person I long to be, but steps must be taken, otherwise when I reach this stage again in the months to come, I'll look at the same little flaws, the same shit, every time. I'd rather find something different to dwell upon next time. Maybe even something that doesn't make me feel so terrible.
And there I was looking at this symptom of myself. This stack of books. I put away the ones that I had read and came to grips with the fact that they will go unreviewed, and that's what it is. I put aside the library books, so that I could return them when next I go to the University, and the ones that I have borrowed and already read, so that they can go back to their own libraries. Then I divided the rest into two stacks: Books I should read, and books I want to read.
You know, this word, should, it always makes me feel ineffectual. Do you have the same issue? You hear the word should and you think, "Why haven't I done that already? If it were something that I really should be doing, why aren't I doing it right now? What is wrong with me that I keep putting it off?" Well, that's what I think, when I hear should. I've been trying to eliminate it from my to-do lists. Much like Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no should... I mean try." I've been working on the should problem for about three weeks, and yet there it was. A whole pile of books I should read.
I used to love to read. I'd read anything I could get my hands on, and then I'd read it again. And then I spent eight years reading things I should read, and it kind of sucked the enthusiasm from me. So, I put the should read books aside. My stack of books that I actually want to read, is quite big. I'd like to give myself the chance to enjoy the process again. I'd like to be able to disassociate my sense of responsibility from my sense of enjoyment, to read for the sake of reading. There are several books in both stacks that don't belong to me, and I think next time I go home, I'll just take all of the should books to their home too.
Miss kitty there is Starbuck. Yes, she is on the table. Yes, she knocked the books over once or twice.
Miss kitty there is Starbuck. Yes, she is on the table. Yes, she knocked the books over once or twice.
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Great post. I relate to it on so many levels.
I'm such a geek that I recently created a flow chart for myself--"Bookshelf Thinning Flow Chart" (I'm looking at it in OneNote)--which starts off with "Have you read the book?" and then moved down through yes/no and whether I would read it or read it again, etc.
It was a completely unnecessary exercise--those are questions a person implicitly asks when clearing out bookshelves--but it prevented me (once again) from getting to the task of actually getting rid of the stuff that shouldn't be there.
Yes, get rid of the 'shoulds' - the guilt attached to them weighs more than the books themselves. You *will* find them again if you really want to read them.
I went through a period of reading exhaustion that lasted about two years - I couldn't get past magazines and reference books. Funnily enough, photography awakened the urge to read again, and now I'm going full tilt. (It also awakened the urge to write)
As for the bigger questions, you said it, "but steps must be taken". It's scary, I know. Baby steps are okay too.
Oh, and I must say, Starbuck *is* lovely. :)
First of all, the instant someone says I "should" do something, I get all, "fuck you!", because I don't like being told what to do, and "should" is pretty much the single most oppressive word in our language. Well, maybe "shalt". But still.
Second of all, that copy of "Quicksilver" better be in the pile of books you WANT to read, or you and I are going to have Words. You should totally read it, it's really good.
A few years ago I put a freeze on my book collection. I figured I had enough to read for several years if I just sat down and read everything I owned in alphabetical order.
It didn't work. People keep giving me and lending me books. I also just can't help buying more of them. If I find a place selling books for 25 cents each, what else am I going to do but buy ten? Even if some of the titles include the Standard Book of Facts from 1901 and the biography of Jean Chretien?
Despite my decree, my library has grown and the percentage of books I've read has dropped over the last five years. It's also added yet another "should" to the list of things I ought to be doing.
Marc: I never even thought about a bookshelf flowchart. That takes procrastination to a whole new level of organization.
Ms. S: It's as if my memory has blocked it already because I don't know where I put the stack of shoulds. I have started on my stack of wants, and I'm feeling pretty good about the process.
T.: Yes, Quicksilver is in the wants pile. I borrowed it from Sky over a year ago, but I keep saying that I want to read it, so I should probably get on it sooner rather than later.
Cheruby: The last time I moved I took boxes and boxes of books to Westgate on trade. I have a nice credit there to get more books that I'd actually want to read, but I keep telling myself that it would be better if I read the books I had before getting more. You might consider doing the tradesies game to get your library under control.