Monitor Me

It's weird giving out details of my life to the wide world. I usually keep it pretty mundane: what movies I've seen, my favorite songs, cool things I've discovered on the internet. When I give out personal tidbits I actually try pretty hard to make them personal enough that anyone could tell that what I'm writing about is significant to me, but also impersonal enough that I'm not opening myself up to levels of public intimacy with which I'm uncomfortable.

I've spent the last week quietly and sadly informing my friends and family that Rob and I are getting a divorce. I think I've reached a stage where everyone that should be told in a personal conversation has been told. I wish that I could give T-ass a call but, alas, he has no phone. If there are others who are reading this and going "ohmygod," I'm sorry I didn't tell you in a more personal fashion, but I've got too many friends. And for that I am so glad.

I spent an hour on the phone with Bne this morning, and I can't believe the amount of people who have voiced the "anytime you need to talk" offer. I do not feel unsupported in the least, and I've gathered a lot of strength from all of you (you know who you are -- if you think you might be one of those people, then you are... trust me) in the last few months. That strength has helped me in my part of this incredibly difficult decision.

Drang and I had a long coffee earlier this week, and he asked me in the I really mean it voice how I was doing. In a nutshell, I'm relieved and sad all at once. Since the divorce-talk, I've been making some pretty bad decisions. I want to reclaim bad habits that I had before my marriage. I want to throw out a lot of my concepts of love and it's likely I'm tossing the baby with the bathwater. But the good news is, I'm pretty self-aware about all of this and I'm watching myself with a careful eye.

The other good news is that Rob and I are working things out with our friendship. Fortunately for us, we've always been excellent friends, regardless of the situation in our shared lives. We are terrified that this friendship will somehow disappear with the dissolution of our marriage, and are monitoring how we treat each other. This is one instance when I'm glad of the physical distance between us.

There is no bad guy in this decision. There is no anger or hate. There is a lot of sadness and a touch of regret. But, thankfully, there's a lot of hope.